HartlessByDesign

I hate days like this. Feelings of inadequacy, incompetency, uncertainty, and anxiety overwhelm me. To me, in part it proves the famous CS Lewis quote, "I find in myself desires which nothing in this earth can satisfy, the only logical explanation is that I was made for another world." How I long for that other world.

I wish I never knew this saying. Because with it, every joke directed at me hurts. I wish I was the type of person that could just brush things off and not pay it a bit of mind. But I'm not. Things like that haunt me for days adding to my feelings of insignificance and inadequacy.

This blog has pretty much turned into a place to "boohoo." Maybe I'll post something uplifting soon...

Why is it that I always feel so inadequate? For everything, I feel inadequate. I feel that I'm an inadequate husband. I feel that I'm an inadequate sibling. I feel that I'm an inadequate son. I feel that I'm and inadequate nurse. And now I feel that I'm an inadequate charge nurse in training. I haven't even been a nurse period for three weeks and now they want me to train to be a charge nurse??!! I'm just so tired of feeling so inadequate. My mind knows that in my weakness, He is strong. But Someone please convince my heart!

So I'm starting to feel the emotional pains of leaving my family, friends, and what I have considered home for so long. I wonder if Abraham felt the same type of pains when he was called to leave for the Promised Land. By far, I do not think Texas is a "promise land" for us, but I do think that God has called us to move. I mean, He has made the process so smooth so far. It just seems like confirmation after confirmation that we are making the right decision.

But, even though my mind tells me that yes, we are making the right decision, my heart is beginning to tell me that we are not. I'm going to miss my family dearly. Thoughts like "what if I never see them again" are beginning to well up inside. I almost feel like I am abandoning my family. As Eda has said many times, she feels that I am the "stability" in my family. Will my family crumble after we leave? I'm not saying this out of any sort of pride but out of genuine concern for my family. I feel that I am abandoning them and can't shake off the feeling that they feel the same. Despite these feelings though, we must obey the Lord and Eda and I both believe that by moving to Texas, we are.

My family has known for years that I would eventually move overseas; but I think the thought of leaving them for my wife's parents have offended them. On the flip side, I think they at least understand why we are going and support us in our decision despite their own potential feelings about the situation.

Lord please keep, protect, and provide for my family. Let our 1,000+ mile separation be for good. I pray that you will somehow use this to draw them to yourself.

*Sigh* Like Abraham, I must keep my eyes fixed on Him and the "heavenly place" that we will call home for good one day; not the earthly place that my flesh now considers home.